Sunday, January 12, 2014

The cheater

Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will
-John D. MacDonald
After seeing scores and scores of friends get married, find love and have children I was beginning to feel a bit old. Every announcement was a baby shower or a wedding and I say kudos to those who have found a partner who is willing to hopefully spend the rest of their natural lives with that individual, and kudos to those who strongly believe in such monogamy and happy endings. Kudos to those married in the past years, last year and those who will be married this year. Kudos to the engagements, kudos to the kiddies. Congrats!
However, I’ve seen a trend of a completely different kind as well. Considering we all now have social networks in place of human interaction (A different post all together trust me on this one.) you now see life played out via social network. When love is new and beautiful people connect with new relationship statuses, saying they are with such and such and pictures pop up of love and scenery and newness. And me being me , I’m happy to see all of this out in the open romanticness. But there’s a downside to such as well. Dirty laundry is often times aired out on social networks as well and surely aired out in inboxes. Which brings me to the topic of cheating.
For a while I wondered what constitutes such? When is flirting going too far and when you’re in a relationship or even a marriage what is acceptable and what is unacceptable? Do we need validation so badly that we can’t get it from one person and is true monogamy a thing of the past? These past several weeks I’ve been a shoulder to lean on for about three friends who have gone through some seriousness when it comes to cheating and monogamy. For the sake of them and our friendships I won’t name their names but their situations (Two of them with their permission.) are ones that aren’t unique to them. These situations have become common place.
A dear friend of mine and her partner had been having some issues. She’d noticed that her partner had become withdrawn, and had begun a lovely affair with her phone and computer. Rarely did she look up from it. (Oh and by the way, for those of you who are on your computers and stuck in your phone while another human being is around so much so until you can’t have human social interaction get that checked out by someone qualified, please!) My friend began to notice the change in her partner and many conversations and many nights were spent attempting to examine such and my friend going against her instincts which said something is wrong. When we love someone sometimes we can be blind and downright stupid. Ignoring signs and red flags for love, gets us all hurt in the end. And love in my opinions isn’t supposed to hurt like that. Anywho her partner left her computer up. Had her facebook up. Now my friend being inquisitive and given all the right ammo to check (Though I wouldn’t suggest this, “You seek and you shall find”) looks at it. Her partner’s inbox confirmed suspicions. Her partner not only had been flirting but sending nude pictures of herself to another woman. (CHEATING! CHEATER! CHEATING! FLAG FLAG FLAG!) Being hurt my friend continued to look through her partner’s facebook. Her partner had a friend as well and while her and her partner lived together she worked long hours. The “friend” of her partner was sent a message that was laced in flirtation and my dear friend found out her partner and this friend had been laying in the same bed together, just laying together.(Their bed) Flirtation on top of laying together in their bed was enough to set my friend on edge and for good reason. She wanted my advice and I can’t tell her what to do so I told her weigh her options. Her years of a relationship with this individual clearly meant nothing if her partner could betray her trust so easily. Her choice though was to work things out with her partner… I wish them both the best. But there’s no excuse for her partner’s betrayal and well once the trust is gone. It’s gone for a while. Moral of the story being… If you’re hiding things from your partner you’ve already begun the process of cheating. Don’t be sorry about things later either don’t do it or be single.
In the world there’s always that manipulative person and there’s always going to be. There’ll always be an opportunist and sometimes kind people get blind sighted by that as my friend did.(Actually friends with them both only having met her through him) Her fiancé used her insecurity as justification for his frabernackle. Every time he’d be caught doing something he’d tell her she needed to get over her insecurities and he needed to get over being a douche. Some individuals come with insecurities and they aren’t made any better when such insecurity is fed. Situation at hand is my friend’s fiancé is great friends with his ex. (Some can tolerate this, others can’t) His ex fighting for her life against cancer. (Granted that is horrible and a hard fight) Their bond negates he visits her, stays with her sometimes and sends her messages like “I wish I could hold you right now” when my friend brings it up he says “You’re insecure, you’re not dealing with cancer, get over it”. First and foremost if your partner is uncomfortable with ties with an ex, things need to be reasonably moderated. If an ex plays a significant role in your life, fine, but such must be understood that your future is with whom you’re with. If that’s not understood chaos will ensue and so it did. He furnished a trip to see his ex with my dear friend’s credit card. He was supposed to be staying alone and was honest about his trip to go see her. My friend finds a hotel receipt that said two stayed in that room. (Guests, 2) He brushes it off saying this is the default for hotels to do such… NO, NO IT’S NOT. He sends the ex-messages continually, wihsing he was there for her and she was with him all the while his fiancé is. Not only is he emotionally cheating with the possibility of physically cheating. He’s a douche. I’ve told him this to his face. But she chooses to stay with him. She’ll choose to marry him as well.. Against many red flags and warnings.
At the end of the day both stories are more than stories to me they are friends. And at the end of the day the quote at the beginning of this article stands true “Integrity is not a conditional word”. When you’re dealing with a cheater they lack that, as well as empathy and respect for their partner. While some of us are willing to tolerate it, others of us become shoulders to cry on for those who do but won’t leave their situations. In any case it’s draining and my notion is a cheater is a cheater and will always be.


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